Lessons from grief and love
Grief is a strange and funny thing. It enters your life suddenly without permission and hangs around for the rest of your life. There is very little else that has that power except for love. I have come to realize that grief and love are inexplicably connected and are a reflection of each other.
Love came into my life just as suddenly when I didn’t expect it. I welcomed love into my life with little resistance and I rode the wave of the wonderment of love. Love taught me that life isn’t selfish or self-centered and that the greatest reward was being able to let go of my selfishness for another person. Love taught me to act in a way that was in the best interest of the relationship even if I didn’t want to do so. In conflict, my ego wanted me to isolate and stand my ground and fight for my righteousness, but love showed me that isolation leads to more isolation and that if I wanted more love, that I would have to connect and put my ego aside and talk things out and be vulnerable.
I realize that I fell in love with loving Tony. I love him with my whole being, but I also loved loving him. I not only loved the idea of loving him but the actual actions of loving him. Deep inside, I heard my soul tell me that I was meant to love him without limits and with all the intensity that I was able to give each day we had together. Love taught me that loving him came in all shapes and sizes and most of the time it was acts of kindness, thoughtfulness, compassion and laughter. Love has taught me a lot.
Interestingly enough, grief has taught me similar yet different things…which is a bit of a conundrum. Grief has taught me to find joy in the small things; to enjoy all those acts of love that I was able to give to Tony. Grief has broken me open to be more vulnerable with my own humanity which has allowed me to accept myself in ways I hadn’t been able to before. Grief has challenged me to let go of the illusion of control and accept the fragility of life. In this acceptance, I have found peace and a grounded ness in that all I have control over is this present moment and how I choose to be in this moment. If this moment asks me to have a meltdown, I will fully have one. If this moment asks me to laugh, I will laugh. I don’t fight grief anymore and that has been a gift. Just like I didn’t fight love and that was the greatest gift of all.